G. W. Thomas
THE KINGS OF THE NIGHT
TOP TEN FAVORITE SWORD & SORCERY CLICHES
By G. W. Thomas
TEN: The barbarian who hates magic because a piece of honed steel is always more desirable than a fireball when you are about to be killed by ten thousand goblins.
NINE: The damsel who is rescued and pays her hero in sex. Those pure-hearted damsels just aren't so pure.
EIGHT: The prophecy that says the hero can't lose. And doesn't. Crap, why am I so bored then?
SEVEN: Fur bikinis at Forty below. Old Frank Frazetta can take his share of the blame for this one but it was really Red Sonja comics that brought it to its peak. Love those steel bikinis!
SIX: The wizard with the unpronouncable name. I think those barbarians wanted to kill them simply so they wouldn't have to try and pronounce X'lly'pp'nf the Magician.
FIVE: The hero who can sword fight ten guys at once. The S&S equivalent of the cowboy whose gun has unlimited bullets.
FOUR: The barbarian-wizard duel. I think this one dates back to high school when the barbarian used to steal the wizard's lunch money...
THREE: The unnameable squidgy the wizard plans to unleash on an unsuspecting world! ("What are we doing to night, Brain-wizard?" "The same thing we always do, Pinky-henchman. TRY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD!")
TWO: The evil queen who sleeps with the barbarian then sends him to his death. Only slightly more kinky than the damsel in Number 9. Which brings us to:
THE NUMBER ONE S&S CLICHE: The evil queen who enjoys whipping the barbarian's damsel. Margaret Brundrige eat your heart out!